a new beginning!

goodbyes was never easy to say, but i admit that this time round was the hardest, i have never felt this way before. I dont even know when or how we became so attached and close friends, that when it comes to leaving, i was just too overwhelmed for words to express.
but yeaps, i have learn to let go, to know that we can still keep in contact.
plus, if i dont, i will never be able to find new friends cause i have a close mind, trying to find back friends that can replace them, that can be as crazy as them, that i can be as comfortable around them, but in actual fact, everyone is different, and we just gotta explore and get to know new people while still treasuring the old. =)
nevertheless, i will never forget the memories this people gave me, because it's the most awesome one i ever had!

time to face reality! my medicine course is gonna start in two days. I do not know what to feel actually.
scared but at the same time excited.
well, things i really got to work on is to try to focus in class. haha! i zone out like SUPER easily!
and i do more self study than listening to lectures and that's not good when entering uni level.

medicine, something that i was passionate about, and yet, something that i was dreadful about.
people keep asking me do i really want medicine. and i say yes. WHY?

my decision of medicine was triggered by a few cases.
firstly, there was this one time, i went to visit the orang asli settlements.
I happened to be talking to a mother, and she told me about her child.
She said "my child has cancer, but there's nothing i can do about it, because i cant afford to bring her to the hospital, i dont know what to do" and she said that with tears.
Somehow, i felt something, my heart reached out to her, and i talked to myself (it's not weird)
"if one day, i manage to be a doctor, i will come and help these poor, needy people, with minimal charges" and, i was quite sure, God was speaking through this situation. I told myself, that if i'm a doctor next time, i wont want to work in hospitals, but in rural areas with people who really really needs this help. *if possible*

secondly, i was a patient once, and during this whole period, it made me realise something.
to be able to cure sickness in this world, you need to have the qualification to do so, and that is to study the medicine course. I started to think how much I appreciated my doctor, he saved my life, he did everything he could to minimise the pain i felt and everything. I'm just so grateful to him, because everything when smoothly during the operation. This is when i though a doctor is so important and I was thinking "I want to be in that position one day, to be able to save these people that needs it"

thirdly, it's just suites what i am looking for. I have a heart for people, and i just want any career that has EVERYTHING that got to do with people. engineering(machines), research(laboratories) just doesnt go with me. i just love to be with people and to be able to help them.

well then, why do i dread it?
i became doubtful when i entered SAM... sam studies was really tough. and i kept thinking "if only with sam, the studies is already that hard, then can i actually take on medicine course? because i know it's so many many times harder that this"
besides, over the years, I realised i cant take the medical procedures.
and I discovered that my problem was i feel TOO MUCH.

when someone just TALKS about the part she's feeling pain, my body feels it too. haha, sound kinda funny.
but yea, for example when my babysister told me that she fell down and showed me the scar on her leg, that particular part of my body feel pain too. LOL.
i remembered the time i went to see endoscopy, the person was like keep wanting to spit the thing out, and i felt like vomiting and i just fainted. LOL again. hahaha!
and many other incidents...
i just cant stand to see a person in physical pain.
so i guess, even before i HOLD A KNIFE, i would think of that person's pain and FAINT! LOL!LOL!
that's my problem, i put myself in other people's shoe TOO MUCH! and being once in that position, a patient, does not help much, because i feel even more.
hahaha! and i know i just gotta overcome that.

being a doctor, cannot be too personal as well. and i do know that, that will be one of my weakness as well.
if let's say I did my best at saving a person's life, but in the end, the patient still dies. well, i know that i will definitely have a hard time. But doctors are supposed to be strong and take this things in, because it happens and not all patients can be save.

so these are the things i'm afraid of, and I have to learn, with time, to overcome them.
many people have asked me this questions, and i have finally sorted out the answer, sometimes, writing do help one understand herself better.

i am elena, who's gonna step into a new world of challenge and adventure. i'm not gonna be scared of failures, because we need it to learn,

i'm not gonna be scared of the studies, of how hard it's gonna be. I am ready, to stand up and take up this challenge! and one day, i will be doctor elena! HEHEHE=)
i never sound this confident for quite a while, oh well, i'm gaining it back now. wont let anything bring me down. and i know that in all this God is going to be my utmost helper! =)

Courage is simply the willingness to fear and act anyway -Dr Robert Anthony-

 medicine, i will not fear you anymore!