Sunday, May 1, 2011
the lyrics of this song is so meaningful. oh Lord, i just CANT understand this love that You've shown to me, how unfailing it is, how faithful it is. that no matter how many times i neglect You, no matter how long i ignore You, no matter how much i hurt You, BUT OH LORD, You still love me WITH the SAME love you shown to me on the cross. indeed YOU ARE ALWAYS FAITHFUL even when i am faithless or filled with sin.
i pray Lord, that You will continuously draw me back to You, and never let me go astray. I LOVE YOU LORD! so much!
sometimes, when the burden is too heavy to bear, i know You ARE the source of my strength. when everything is in a mess, i know that You are my solutions, but yet, i'm such a rebellious child, turning away from You, oh Lord, im sorry, and ask for Your forgiveness. THANKS so much, for ur never ending faithfulness! =)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
doubts are haunting me again
where's the passion? where's the motivation?
i feel as if i do not have any interest in watever im studying. and i really do wonder.. what if i really did take up the course of education or psychology or a course tat studies people. i want to learn how people work and behave and all, how to cheer them up, how to give them a better life. what im interested in is people. and i really do find it hard some times to find JOY and HAPPINESS in what i am studying. its not that i dont like evrything in medicine, but the large chunks of science and facts just makes it hard to enjoy it. i really need to feel tat once again. for now, i realised i keep falling asleep in most, if not all of the classes except those that involves movement like practicals, those that involve medical interview, talking to people and all, cause tat's really my interests, and i just seem to be able to pay attention in those kind of tutorial. the rest, i just seem to switch off automatically, even though i try very hard with concious effort to focus but just cant. im very afraid that i cant survive n struggling through 5 years like that. studying something that i do not enjoy, and when this thoughts come and haunt me, the feeling of wanting to change course comes, but yet, i know i have to hold it in and strive with my very best cause i know it's impossible since i've already accepted sime's scholarship and would not want to let anyone down especially my family. but yet, one part of my hearts stills tell me that i will enjoy medicine/ being a doctor in future and that gives me hope. and besides, to see how God have lay down the pathway for me, making sime approve of the scholarship, tat makes me very assured that im on the right pathway. i just hope that i will find the passion along the way, and find interest along this long journey and start to enjoy what im doing in the end. =) as i type this last few sentence, my smile is cming back, and tat's a good sign! =)
anyways, i just came back from penang and had a really really awesome time. spending time w friends with outings and holidays is really the best way of getting to know them better. it made me realised so many different great qualities in all my friends and to learn to appreciate them. the food was just too awesome, i cant even recount how many meals i took a day, it was endless, from one stall to the next. felt soooo contented,happy and satisfied after this trip! =)
and as i went for holidays, it often make me think back of all the G8 outings we had, the fun tat we had. went to the beach and remembered the COUNTLESS jump shots we took along the pangkor beach with the sunset tat day. went to a park and remembered how you all taught me to cycle for the very FIRST TIME. saw monkeys in a park and thought of lilian. saw waterfall and rememebered how we released candice's fishes into the lake and ALL THE funny pose we did it tat MULTI COUNTRY parks. memories will just flash back during all this trips and i can imagine wat we would have done together if you all were here with me.
i feel as if i do not have any interest in watever im studying. and i really do wonder.. what if i really did take up the course of education or psychology or a course tat studies people. i want to learn how people work and behave and all, how to cheer them up, how to give them a better life. what im interested in is people. and i really do find it hard some times to find JOY and HAPPINESS in what i am studying. its not that i dont like evrything in medicine, but the large chunks of science and facts just makes it hard to enjoy it. i really need to feel tat once again. for now, i realised i keep falling asleep in most, if not all of the classes except those that involves movement like practicals, those that involve medical interview, talking to people and all, cause tat's really my interests, and i just seem to be able to pay attention in those kind of tutorial. the rest, i just seem to switch off automatically, even though i try very hard with concious effort to focus but just cant. im very afraid that i cant survive n struggling through 5 years like that. studying something that i do not enjoy, and when this thoughts come and haunt me, the feeling of wanting to change course comes, but yet, i know i have to hold it in and strive with my very best cause i know it's impossible since i've already accepted sime's scholarship and would not want to let anyone down especially my family. but yet, one part of my hearts stills tell me that i will enjoy medicine/ being a doctor in future and that gives me hope. and besides, to see how God have lay down the pathway for me, making sime approve of the scholarship, tat makes me very assured that im on the right pathway. i just hope that i will find the passion along the way, and find interest along this long journey and start to enjoy what im doing in the end. =) as i type this last few sentence, my smile is cming back, and tat's a good sign! =)
anyways, i just came back from penang and had a really really awesome time. spending time w friends with outings and holidays is really the best way of getting to know them better. it made me realised so many different great qualities in all my friends and to learn to appreciate them. the food was just too awesome, i cant even recount how many meals i took a day, it was endless, from one stall to the next. felt soooo contented,happy and satisfied after this trip! =)
and as i went for holidays, it often make me think back of all the G8 outings we had, the fun tat we had. went to the beach and remembered the COUNTLESS jump shots we took along the pangkor beach with the sunset tat day. went to a park and remembered how you all taught me to cycle for the very FIRST TIME. saw monkeys in a park and thought of lilian. saw waterfall and rememebered how we released candice's fishes into the lake and ALL THE funny pose we did it tat MULTI COUNTRY parks. memories will just flash back during all this trips and i can imagine wat we would have done together if you all were here with me.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
...not a coincidence
when feelings overwhelmed, and when i dun knw wat to do, just feel like coming here to blabber and write. hahaha!
something really coincident happen this week. just at the beginning of the week, i was chatting with this friend and we had a heart to heart talk and he told me how his mother pass away from cancer. and then on friday, after exams, i was walking around doing groceries shopping. and i heard my name, turned around and saw one of my friends. and he too, shared about how he recently lost his father.
IN THE SAME WEEK, there's two person who came to me sharing about how they lost their loved ones. it was so coincident and i felt like God was talking to me as if He's trying to tell me something.
and i guess, i realised that life is so unpredictable, and He was like telling me to APPRECIATE my family while i have them.
i felt really sad for them, i was lost for words, because i really cant imagine what its like living without my mother/ father. i would not know how to recover as well. and im very sure it will take them a LONG TIME to recover.
besides, it made me realised, im very blessed already that i have a loving COMPLETE family and should stop complaining bout this bout that and all. =)
2011, even the beginning was very busy already. and when i tend to get busy, i tend to neglect God. i started asking and wondering WHERE IS MY HEART that i once had? last time i used to CARE so much, i would write little little notes to my cell group members encouraging them and all, i would have a burning passion to spread the good news to my friends, i would have the desire to bear a good testimony, i would have the longing to be close to God and all. it's like my heart is growing colder nowadays. and i prayed the same prayer over n over again, saying to God please bring me back to Him and yet not doing anything about it. i must start setting apart time for Him once again.
my thoughts are very messy now. i know that it's very dangerous to say this prayer, but sometimes i do wish that my life would have more challenges, because i know that it is IN DIFFICULTIES, IN HARDSHIPS that we learnt the most, that i learn to depend on God the most. and i want to moulded and pruned by God even if it means breaking me down. i know that, in that way, i'll be closer to God. some tme i wish to be put thru hard times just to experience it n grow more into a stronger person. hmm, i knw im kinda weird, who would want challenges in their lives and complain bout how good life is. LOL! i dunno wat am i thinking larh. hahaha!
studies have been a challenge and i just only found out that my minimum requirement for sime darby is 75 and above. didnt knw tat it was tat hard at first. ITS actually a REALLY REALLY high mark and im scared. i started to wonder what if i really cant achieve it? then where would my life end up to be? hmmm. =)
anywaz, im just blaberring a lot nao. just to release some thoughts on my mind.
last week, as i went out for outings, i suddenly miss all my G8 frens a lot, its like places that i go to, i can actually imagine them there and by just thinking of them, it puts a smile on mu face. =) i dont think i will ever find a bunch of people like them where i can be so comfortable, who would go crazy WITH me and all. cant wait for another outing with them!! =)
something really coincident happen this week. just at the beginning of the week, i was chatting with this friend and we had a heart to heart talk and he told me how his mother pass away from cancer. and then on friday, after exams, i was walking around doing groceries shopping. and i heard my name, turned around and saw one of my friends. and he too, shared about how he recently lost his father.
IN THE SAME WEEK, there's two person who came to me sharing about how they lost their loved ones. it was so coincident and i felt like God was talking to me as if He's trying to tell me something.
and i guess, i realised that life is so unpredictable, and He was like telling me to APPRECIATE my family while i have them.
i felt really sad for them, i was lost for words, because i really cant imagine what its like living without my mother/ father. i would not know how to recover as well. and im very sure it will take them a LONG TIME to recover.
besides, it made me realised, im very blessed already that i have a loving COMPLETE family and should stop complaining bout this bout that and all. =)
2011, even the beginning was very busy already. and when i tend to get busy, i tend to neglect God. i started asking and wondering WHERE IS MY HEART that i once had? last time i used to CARE so much, i would write little little notes to my cell group members encouraging them and all, i would have a burning passion to spread the good news to my friends, i would have the desire to bear a good testimony, i would have the longing to be close to God and all. it's like my heart is growing colder nowadays. and i prayed the same prayer over n over again, saying to God please bring me back to Him and yet not doing anything about it. i must start setting apart time for Him once again.
my thoughts are very messy now. i know that it's very dangerous to say this prayer, but sometimes i do wish that my life would have more challenges, because i know that it is IN DIFFICULTIES, IN HARDSHIPS that we learnt the most, that i learn to depend on God the most. and i want to moulded and pruned by God even if it means breaking me down. i know that, in that way, i'll be closer to God. some tme i wish to be put thru hard times just to experience it n grow more into a stronger person. hmm, i knw im kinda weird, who would want challenges in their lives and complain bout how good life is. LOL! i dunno wat am i thinking larh. hahaha!
studies have been a challenge and i just only found out that my minimum requirement for sime darby is 75 and above. didnt knw tat it was tat hard at first. ITS actually a REALLY REALLY high mark and im scared. i started to wonder what if i really cant achieve it? then where would my life end up to be? hmmm. =)
anywaz, im just blaberring a lot nao. just to release some thoughts on my mind.
last week, as i went out for outings, i suddenly miss all my G8 frens a lot, its like places that i go to, i can actually imagine them there and by just thinking of them, it puts a smile on mu face. =) i dont think i will ever find a bunch of people like them where i can be so comfortable, who would go crazy WITH me and all. cant wait for another outing with them!! =)
Monday, March 28, 2011
the big picture
I NEVER expected medicine to cover such a WIDE scope. seriously, last time i use to think medicine is all about SAVING LIVES and HELPING PEOPLE. butttttttttt... IT'S SO MUCH MUCH MOREEEEEEEEEE than that. it involves EVERY aspect of life. u've gotta see each individual as a WHOLE not only physically, also emotionally, psychologically, mentally and everything.
SAVING one lives is NOT THAT easy after all. classes on ethics and law has been driving me crazy. It's all about the patient's autonomy and THEIR decision. our job is only to FACILITATE and in the end, the decision is all up to the patient. it's like - as a doctor, you want to perform an operation to save the person's life, but, if the patient choose to REFUSE the treatment, u've just gotta oblige n go with the decision. it's so hard, u wanna help, but yet you cant. i guess, u have to live with it, do the best that i can.
and... i'm still pretty afraid to hold the BIG RESPONSIBILITY of life. some times, i was just thinking, i would not want to have such HIGH authority. it scares me. A slip of my own hands can cause so much harm even to the extent of fatal harm. that day i was having a practical on injection. and i realised HOW EASY it is to just commit a mistake. just accidentally putting slight air into the patient's body can cause FATAL harm. oh mai, just such a SMALL mistake, can already cause so much harm. i really got to be so careful, n i'm afraid i cant live up to it.
but still, i believed God brought me into this line of medicine for a reason. and May He, with time, take away all this fears. =)
oh well, on a brighter note. i realised that no matter where i go, i receive the labels of CRAZINESS! anyhow, i still MISS the people that i FEEL MOST AT HOME, MOST COMFORTABLE WITH, and MOST BELONGED with - my SAM frens! i miss everyone of them. and as i go through each day, i can imagine them here at the moment, n situations and actually imagining what they would do/react.
i see places and stuffs, i could imagine what crazy pose they will make with me. i can imagine how they would laugh at all the stupid things that i do and say. LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!
SAVING one lives is NOT THAT easy after all. classes on ethics and law has been driving me crazy. It's all about the patient's autonomy and THEIR decision. our job is only to FACILITATE and in the end, the decision is all up to the patient. it's like - as a doctor, you want to perform an operation to save the person's life, but, if the patient choose to REFUSE the treatment, u've just gotta oblige n go with the decision. it's so hard, u wanna help, but yet you cant. i guess, u have to live with it, do the best that i can.
and... i'm still pretty afraid to hold the BIG RESPONSIBILITY of life. some times, i was just thinking, i would not want to have such HIGH authority. it scares me. A slip of my own hands can cause so much harm even to the extent of fatal harm. that day i was having a practical on injection. and i realised HOW EASY it is to just commit a mistake. just accidentally putting slight air into the patient's body can cause FATAL harm. oh mai, just such a SMALL mistake, can already cause so much harm. i really got to be so careful, n i'm afraid i cant live up to it.
but still, i believed God brought me into this line of medicine for a reason. and May He, with time, take away all this fears. =)
oh well, on a brighter note. i realised that no matter where i go, i receive the labels of CRAZINESS! anyhow, i still MISS the people that i FEEL MOST AT HOME, MOST COMFORTABLE WITH, and MOST BELONGED with - my SAM frens! i miss everyone of them. and as i go through each day, i can imagine them here at the moment, n situations and actually imagining what they would do/react.
remember how the car actually STOP for this picture! HEHE!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Good Guilt
this song reminded me AGAIN an important lesson that i learnt last time.
GUILT that comes from God brings us back to Him, and brings us to victory, BUT GUILT that comes from Satan brings us down.
this thought in the song really struck me to me heart, that NO MATTER how many times i fail Him, IT'S JUST TOO ASSURING to know that HE STILL LOVES ME and all. the forgiveness of God that was shown on the cross is just amazing and some times hard for me to accept. THANK YOU LORD!
and i just pray that i will be drawn back to God, and not neglect Him in the midst of business.
anywaz, i'm really surprised at how i can keep in contact w my pre-uni frens, i never like really NEVER kept in contact w primary/secondary skul frens. it's already a few months we are away from each other, but yet, i still feel so close and confortable with all of them! candice, michelle, wenshi, gene, ian, sean, lilian, hsing hwa, and everyone, i got a feeling that i can keep in contact with you all for A LIFETIME, so you all wont be able to escape HULK TENG in ur life! WAKAKAKA! LOVE YOU GUYS!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
dunno wat title. hahaa!
"what we are learning now is just a piece of the jigsaw puzzle, soon, u'll be able to see the big picture, so take it easy."
this is what one of my lecturer said, and some how it touched me and made an impact since i remembered it so clearly.
cause reasonly, i've been so pressure and stressed cause of the people around me, people who like KNOWS everything, who keeps studying and reading up. it just scares me. and plus the work load and the hectic schedule, i nearly dunno how to manage. but of cz i find places to release my stress too like going swimming, playing basketball, and playing ping pong and all. i guess there's where BALANCE have to come in.
that's y those words assured me.
Friday, February 18, 2011
a new beginning!
goodbyes was never easy to say, but i admit that this time round was the hardest, i have never felt this way before. I dont even know when or how we became so attached and close friends, that when it comes to leaving, i was just too overwhelmed for words to express.
but yeaps, i have learn to let go, to know that we can still keep in contact.
plus, if i dont, i will never be able to find new friends cause i have a close mind, trying to find back friends that can replace them, that can be as crazy as them, that i can be as comfortable around them, but in actual fact, everyone is different, and we just gotta explore and get to know new people while still treasuring the old. =)
nevertheless, i will never forget the memories this people gave me, because it's the most awesome one i ever had!
time to face reality! my medicine course is gonna start in two days. I do not know what to feel actually.
scared but at the same time excited.
well, things i really got to work on is to try to focus in class. haha! i zone out like SUPER easily!
and i do more self study than listening to lectures and that's not good when entering uni level.
medicine, something that i was passionate about, and yet, something that i was dreadful about.
people keep asking me do i really want medicine. and i say yes. WHY?
my decision of medicine was triggered by a few cases.
firstly, there was this one time, i went to visit the orang asli settlements.
I happened to be talking to a mother, and she told me about her child.
She said "my child has cancer, but there's nothing i can do about it, because i cant afford to bring her to the hospital, i dont know what to do" and she said that with tears.
Somehow, i felt something, my heart reached out to her, and i talked to myself (it's not weird)
"if one day, i manage to be a doctor, i will come and help these poor, needy people, with minimal charges" and, i was quite sure, God was speaking through this situation. I told myself, that if i'm a doctor next time, i wont want to work in hospitals, but in rural areas with people who really really needs this help. *if possible*
secondly, i was a patient once, and during this whole period, it made me realise something.
to be able to cure sickness in this world, you need to have the qualification to do so, and that is to study the medicine course. I started to think how much I appreciated my doctor, he saved my life, he did everything he could to minimise the pain i felt and everything. I'm just so grateful to him, because everything when smoothly during the operation. This is when i though a doctor is so important and I was thinking "I want to be in that position one day, to be able to save these people that needs it"
thirdly, it's just suites what i am looking for. I have a heart for people, and i just want any career that has EVERYTHING that got to do with people. engineering(machines), research(laboratories) just doesnt go with me. i just love to be with people and to be able to help them.
well then, why do i dread it?
i became doubtful when i entered SAM... sam studies was really tough. and i kept thinking "if only with sam, the studies is already that hard, then can i actually take on medicine course? because i know it's so many many times harder that this"
besides, over the years, I realised i cant take the medical procedures.
and I discovered that my problem was i feel TOO MUCH.
when someone just TALKS about the part she's feeling pain, my body feels it too. haha, sound kinda funny.
but yea, for example when my babysister told me that she fell down and showed me the scar on her leg, that particular part of my body feel pain too. LOL.
i remembered the time i went to see endoscopy, the person was like keep wanting to spit the thing out, and i felt like vomiting and i just fainted. LOL again. hahaha!
and many other incidents...
i just cant stand to see a person in physical pain.
so i guess, even before i HOLD A KNIFE, i would think of that person's pain and FAINT! LOL!LOL!
that's my problem, i put myself in other people's shoe TOO MUCH! and being once in that position, a patient, does not help much, because i feel even more.
hahaha! and i know i just gotta overcome that.
being a doctor, cannot be too personal as well. and i do know that, that will be one of my weakness as well.
if let's say I did my best at saving a person's life, but in the end, the patient still dies. well, i know that i will definitely have a hard time. But doctors are supposed to be strong and take this things in, because it happens and not all patients can be save.
so these are the things i'm afraid of, and I have to learn, with time, to overcome them.
many people have asked me this questions, and i have finally sorted out the answer, sometimes, writing do help one understand herself better.
i am elena, who's gonna step into a new world of challenge and adventure. i'm not gonna be scared of failures, because we need it to learn,
i'm not gonna be scared of the studies, of how hard it's gonna be. I am ready, to stand up and take up this challenge! and one day, i will be doctor elena! HEHEHE=)
i never sound this confident for quite a while, oh well, i'm gaining it back now. wont let anything bring me down. and i know that in all this God is going to be my utmost helper! =)
Courage is simply the willingness to fear and act anyway -Dr Robert Anthony-
but yeaps, i have learn to let go, to know that we can still keep in contact.
plus, if i dont, i will never be able to find new friends cause i have a close mind, trying to find back friends that can replace them, that can be as crazy as them, that i can be as comfortable around them, but in actual fact, everyone is different, and we just gotta explore and get to know new people while still treasuring the old. =)
nevertheless, i will never forget the memories this people gave me, because it's the most awesome one i ever had!
time to face reality! my medicine course is gonna start in two days. I do not know what to feel actually.
scared but at the same time excited.
well, things i really got to work on is to try to focus in class. haha! i zone out like SUPER easily!
and i do more self study than listening to lectures and that's not good when entering uni level.
medicine, something that i was passionate about, and yet, something that i was dreadful about.
people keep asking me do i really want medicine. and i say yes. WHY?
my decision of medicine was triggered by a few cases.
firstly, there was this one time, i went to visit the orang asli settlements.
I happened to be talking to a mother, and she told me about her child.
She said "my child has cancer, but there's nothing i can do about it, because i cant afford to bring her to the hospital, i dont know what to do" and she said that with tears.
Somehow, i felt something, my heart reached out to her, and i talked to myself (it's not weird)
"if one day, i manage to be a doctor, i will come and help these poor, needy people, with minimal charges" and, i was quite sure, God was speaking through this situation. I told myself, that if i'm a doctor next time, i wont want to work in hospitals, but in rural areas with people who really really needs this help. *if possible*
secondly, i was a patient once, and during this whole period, it made me realise something.
to be able to cure sickness in this world, you need to have the qualification to do so, and that is to study the medicine course. I started to think how much I appreciated my doctor, he saved my life, he did everything he could to minimise the pain i felt and everything. I'm just so grateful to him, because everything when smoothly during the operation. This is when i though a doctor is so important and I was thinking "I want to be in that position one day, to be able to save these people that needs it"
thirdly, it's just suites what i am looking for. I have a heart for people, and i just want any career that has EVERYTHING that got to do with people. engineering(machines), research(laboratories) just doesnt go with me. i just love to be with people and to be able to help them.
well then, why do i dread it?
i became doubtful when i entered SAM... sam studies was really tough. and i kept thinking "if only with sam, the studies is already that hard, then can i actually take on medicine course? because i know it's so many many times harder that this"
besides, over the years, I realised i cant take the medical procedures.
and I discovered that my problem was i feel TOO MUCH.
when someone just TALKS about the part she's feeling pain, my body feels it too. haha, sound kinda funny.
but yea, for example when my babysister told me that she fell down and showed me the scar on her leg, that particular part of my body feel pain too. LOL.
i remembered the time i went to see endoscopy, the person was like keep wanting to spit the thing out, and i felt like vomiting and i just fainted. LOL again. hahaha!
and many other incidents...
i just cant stand to see a person in physical pain.
so i guess, even before i HOLD A KNIFE, i would think of that person's pain and FAINT! LOL!LOL!
that's my problem, i put myself in other people's shoe TOO MUCH! and being once in that position, a patient, does not help much, because i feel even more.
hahaha! and i know i just gotta overcome that.
being a doctor, cannot be too personal as well. and i do know that, that will be one of my weakness as well.
if let's say I did my best at saving a person's life, but in the end, the patient still dies. well, i know that i will definitely have a hard time. But doctors are supposed to be strong and take this things in, because it happens and not all patients can be save.
so these are the things i'm afraid of, and I have to learn, with time, to overcome them.
many people have asked me this questions, and i have finally sorted out the answer, sometimes, writing do help one understand herself better.
i am elena, who's gonna step into a new world of challenge and adventure. i'm not gonna be scared of failures, because we need it to learn,
i'm not gonna be scared of the studies, of how hard it's gonna be. I am ready, to stand up and take up this challenge! and one day, i will be doctor elena! HEHEHE=)
i never sound this confident for quite a while, oh well, i'm gaining it back now. wont let anything bring me down. and i know that in all this God is going to be my utmost helper! =)
Courage is simply the willingness to fear and act anyway -Dr Robert Anthony-
medicine, i will not fear you anymore!
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